Dear E.

I never expected to write you one of those, because never before in our friendship I felt like I couldn't tell you something directly. Yet here I am, not feeling safe enough to have this conversation with you right now. I feel like if I open my heart to you, there is a big chance that you'll run a knife through it and tear it into pieces. Normally my heart is tough, and it can take some damage. But right now, my heart is bruised and weak, and it cannot take much more. 

I haven't been well in the last days. I am in a dark headspace, where I am feeling unappealing to everyone, in every aspect. And I told you that on Friday. I also told you multiple times that I have difficulties to reach out and ask for help, because on times like this all I can feel is that I am a burden to someone and I want to get away, to stop bothering them. But maybe because you are away, maybe because I've done it so many times that you've become immune to it, or maybe because you just don't care about me, you did not hear my call. You said something about how I should write a book, which was a an inappropriate comment to make especially when I was feeling so bad, and nothing else. You did not offer support. Neither then, nor afterwards. Not once in the whole weekend or Monday you asked me how I was feeling, if I was better or if there was anything you could do to help.

I don't know if you ever had to deal with someone who is going through mental health issues, but sometimes the mind can go to very dark places, and something as simple as saying "I need help" cannot be done. When we become friends with someone, we start to know them very well, and we should be able to develop a six sense to help identify when our friends are struggling. This is even harder when having a text based friendship, which requires us to raise our awareness even further to such issues. Maybe this is something you can learn for the future. You've got nothing to lose, this would only make you a better person.

On top of that, you called me a liar on Monday. And right after that you attacked me and the only way I would have to defend my honour and prove that I am not a liar, saying it was a disgusting and offensive habit. As this is something I have done before, I could not help but feel like you were calling me disgusting and offensive. Wether it was your intention or not, it still hurt me very deeply.

A disgusting and offensive habit is to say something and then back out, pretending you never did, and make other people feel bad for pointing it out. And then blocking people to argument their side with proof. You do that often, and you expect us to just put up with it. It seems small, it was just a comment about a drunk chat, but to me it is huge, especially when I have to consider that it was not the first time and sadly, probably won't be the last. I firmly believe one should honour what one said and done, and it takes balls to look back and admit that they did or said something, even if it was not great. You criticise your country's president, but you act exactly like him at times. Sendings screenshots is nothing more than fact checking with hard proof. But if you would have kept your word and/or admitted what you said and done, fact checking and screenshots would not have been necessary to start with.

You let me down this weekend, and I had to go to a place I never thought I would in our friendship: I had to walk away. I wish I could have had this conversation with you there and then, but I was not (and still am not) strong enough for how you would react, and how you would potentially strike back at me. I hate myself for being afraid of you right now, but I am also not a good liar, so I cannot hide the fact that I am afraid of you right now. I hope we can still have this chat, because as your friend this is something I must do. I cannot sit and see you do something wrong without saying anything. But I need time. I need to rebuild my armour, to be able to take whatever it is that you throw back at me.

I know I am not saying anything absurd here. That I am not being unreasonable. And I know that I love you and care about you enough to want to make you be a better person, and not in a condescending way. I hope you will be able to see this as well. But I can only hope. I cannot get inside your head and inside your heart and make you see it. This path, my friend, needs to be walked by you.

Here's why

Right, I think everyone deserves an explanation, so I am writing you this to tell you why I don't want to have contact with you anymore.

I never made assumptions about your values nor did I accuse you of anything. This is something that you interpreted as an accusation, and I cannot be held responsible for how you read into things and what kind of meanings you see in them.

I said that I am not a slave driver and I don't think this should be used in a joke. When you called me a slave driver it did make me uncomfortable, and I did not know what it means. I asked different British friends, and they explained it to me. I still feel uncomfortable to be called that, despite it being a regular and common expression.

And I maintain my opinion that the word slave or any reference to slavery should not be used in a joke, no matter how harmless it is or whoever is saying it - whether it is you or anybody else. So my issue was not with you, but with the expression you used. Anyone who would have said that to me would have gotten that same reaction. Anyone who says that to me, now that I know what it means, will still get the same reaction. My issue with you is that you chose to attack me, instead of respecting my opinion. I would expect my friends to give more importance to the way I feel than to the way the English language is spoken. After all, a language does not have feelings. To give you an example: If someone says they want to be called by the pronouns "they/them", you'd be expected to respect that, regardless of what gender they were assigned at birth and what is the correct way in the English language to address that gender. And no, I am not comparing myself to a gender non-comforming person, I am simply using this situation as an example to make my point. 

Furthermore, you had the perfect opportunity to teach me something I did not know, and that could have turned into an interesting and educational discussion. I would have made the same points I am doing now, and I would have given you the chance to expose your point of view. And even if we disagreed, we would have kept it civil and friendly. Not all my friends have the same opinion of me, and I respect that. But you decided to escalate the situation and attack me and my level of English, which I think it was uncalled for. But most importantly, I truly believe that when you feel personally attacked by a friend, the best way forward is to take a deep breath and try to talk about it, instead of attacking back. Friendships are not a competition where one has to win. If someone inside a friendship loses, both friends lose. It would be a competition without a winner. Instead, friends should play together to win together. If one of the friends would make a bad move, the other friend would try to save it and make it better, not make it worse to have the last word. The way you handled this situation shows me how you handle friendships, and I don't want to embark on one with you.

Finally, this was not the first time you said something that offended me. You once suggested that I should put bromide in my tea to calm my libido. Once again this might be something normal for you or in the English language, but I find it offensive, especially because my libido is none of your business. For ME, this is a reference to chemical castration, and I don't think anyone should say that to someone else ever, not even as a joke.

On a different occasion, you suggested that one of the reasons I liked my job was the possibility to have sex with different guys in different places, and if I would control my libido, I would be able to get a better job. Once again, it is not for you to decide if my libido should be controlled, and you don't know me well enough to make assumption about the reasons I do my job and what makes me like it. 

So what happened today did not just come out of the blue, it was the last drop of water on a cup that was already pretty full. The things I'm pointing out here might not be the facts, but they are how I see and how I feel about them. As I said, one should not be held accountable for what someone feels or how someone else interprets things, and I don't hold you accountable for that. But I don't want to have someone in my life who triggers this kind of feelings in me. I see a pattern here of things I think are inappropriate to be said to someone else, but you might consider them to be ok. And you are entitled to have your opinion and your views about what's right or wrong, but for me it's enough reason to have no interest in keeping in touch with you.

One more thing: the husbear knows everything that happens to me, almost immediately when it happens. We have no secrets with each other. So you don't need to run to him to gossip about me, he knew everything already. Divide and conquer is not a tactic that works with us. If anything, it only makes us stronger...

I just wanna make you cum

It's as simple as that - I could try to create a metaphor, to include things to make it seem less simple, I could even try to write about it using classier words. But when we cut to the chase, the main thing is: I want to make you cum.

I want to kiss you while my arms go around your body. One of my hands touch your face, while the other rub your neck and grab the base of your hair. I pull you closer and grab your butt cheeks, and my mouth travels from your mouth to your neck and your ears, where I moan almost as a whisper, but loud enough to play with your senses. I will travel around your back kissing both the centre and the sides, giving you gentle bites along the way.

And then my tongue will finally arrive at your asshole. I will show you how much I dreamed and masturbated thinking about this moment: I will lick it, suck it, kiss it, rub my beard on it, stick my tongue in like I am trying to fuck it. I want to feel your inner thighs pressing my face while I hear you moan with pleasure. I want to get you so horny that you start begging for me to fuck you.

But you don't need to beg, fucking you was on my plan all along. We start with you belly up, legs high, and I will introduce my rock hard cock slowly and gently at first. I want to look into your eyes while I get inside you, I want to see in your face how the pain transforms into pleasure. I grab your hairy chest and I lean in to kiss you, I want you to know that it is OK, that we are in this together, and we will get there together. I play with your cut dick and your balls, while I enjoy the view of my cock going in and out under them.

We then try different positions, until we get to my favourite one: you are by the side of the bed, facing away from me, your arms down in the bed. I fuck you and grab your hair, you can feel the curve of my cock hitting your prostate, and you know it's time for you to cum. I pull you by your hair, but in a gentle way that brings you closer to me. Your hands are now free and you can wank yourself while I'm bombarding your prostate, you tell me your about to cum and I go deeper, stronger, until you explode, cumming all over the bed, screaming so the whole city can hear you.

I will cum all over your beautiful and hairy chest and belly, we will shower together and talk about how much we care about each other and our friendship, we will laugh about something stupid, and life will go on. Nothing more. No infatuation, no complication, no awkwardness. Just us continuing to be friends like always.

(Yes, I know there's much more to be considered. But take a look at the description of this blog...)

Epilogue

 Dido

The other day, I described this to someone else as a baking metaphor: I tried baking before, and it didn't go well. For a while I didn't know what went wrong and how to fix it, so I kept trying to bake but I didn't get great results. And I fed you bad cakes.

Recently I finally understood that my issue was with the oven: I did not know how to use it. I read about it, studied the manual, saw YouTube videos, but I never actually used that oven before, so I ended up burning my bakes. The oven did not have the intention to burn it, it was just being an oven, doing what it was supposed to do. I couldn't handle it - maybe its dials were confusing to me, maybe its temperature was in F instead of °C...

Now I know where my issue is, and I spent the last days fine tuning my oven skills, and my baking is getting better and better by the day... But where do you come in all this?

Well, there's a saying that goes like "all things come to those who wait". And I want to thank you for waiting and being there. I want to thank you for eating the bad cakes I fed you. So far, you have been patient and understanding with me, my issues, my insecurities, my complexities and my complaints. I brought into our friendship issues that had nothing to do directly with you, and you had to take them. Actually, strike that. You did not have to take it. You chose to take it. 

I am sure there were positives, but there were a lot of not so positives. And you're still there. You saw something in me that, at times, I could not see. To use another metaphor, you bet on me, and when my share value went to its lowest point, you remained calm and kept your money invested, because somehow you knew that things would pick up again, and your patience would pay off. You saw my potential and you knew one day you'd get a delicious cheesecake with a chocolate base and salted caramel sauce, and it'd so delicious that it woild even change your opinion on salted caramel.

Now I can see what you already saw. I feel that the tide is turning. I am getting my personal issues sorted, I am tidying up my house, cleaning the fog and seeing better days on the horizon. You haven't seen the best side of me yet, but that side exists. It has been dormant, suffocated by bad demons that were set free by someone else. It took me a long time to understand those demons, where they come from, how they operate and what needs to be done to get them back where they belong. But I finally do, I finally understand everything now. I am confident that the rough part is over, and if we were able to survive that, the next bit will be amazing. I am back in control, I promise you that. 

And I cannot wait to spend the rest of my life being your friend.

Closure in 2 acts.

Act II - The Hawk

I know anymore exactly how or why, but suddenly you came back to life. To my life, that is, as you haven't really died in the real world, only in my metaphor. And we started talking again. In the beginning I was unsure this would be a good idea:I think there's an old saying that goes about someone who has been burned before is afraid to play with fire again. I don't think I could describe it better.

The truth is, I never had any negative feelings towards your person. I was just afraid of what you represented. Talking to you again was reliving everything, and there was a huge part of my brain telling me to run and never look back.

But there was also my heart telling me to stay. To listen to what you had to say. To give you a chance to explain your side, and give me a chance to see the full picture and understand what really happened. I had to listen to my heart on this one - something I learned both from you and from Roxette. 

And I did listen to you. I asked you questions, I gave you the chance to tell me your story. I ate it, digested and assimilated what you said. And I am a better person for it. Not simply because I was kind, but because I could learn more about myself and understand the root of some behaviours I have now.

Dealing with people is not mathematics, there's no right or wrong answer. There's no definite result to get. Sometimes things just don't work out, and that's ok. It's not my or your fault, or anyone else's. It's just the cards that have been dealt are not great, and the pile didn't offer anything better. Maybe you got the cards I needed, and I got the ones you did. As they say in Montreal: c'est la vie.

I never blamed you, and today I see that I should not have blamed myself either. The issues I had were my fault, you were only the trigger. But your actions would not have had any effect if it wasn't for my personality, my insecurities and my personal issues. Those issues are not (and probably will never be) completely sorted, but I understand now better how to control them.

I have another virtual friend now. He's what you and I would have been, if things were different. I now see that I brought a lot of baggage from our friendship to my friendship with him. Some of it was bad and created friction, but some of it helped me navigate things better with him than I did with you. 

I learned a lot from you, and I learned a lot about myself. And that's what stuck to me: not the bad things, not the issues we had, not the hard times. But the fact that you made me a better person. And I will alway be thankful to you for that. I don't see you and me as friends anymore, and I don't think I ever will. But I like the idea of having you in my life, knowing that if I'm ever at your city, I can give you a ring and maybe meet for a coffee or a poutine. That we can be social to each other and chit chat on WhatsApp about life. I'm happy with that arrangement. But most important, I got closure. And I can move on.

Closure in 2 acts.

Intermission

Since you've been gone I became a different person. I lost a lot of my self confidence and I trusted myself way less than I did before. The whole situation wrecked me. I got destroyed, and only now I can begin to understand the extent of that destruction, and how I can start to rebuild.

You got to know me deep, deeper than most people, and one day you just left without an explanation. So the only thing I had to blame was myself. And I did. For years I managed to take good care of the bad voices that told me I'm not good enough, but those voices now had something to feed on. They could loudly whisper in my ear that they were right all along, and finally I was able to see that.

I became afraid of being myself, because that alone would be a reason for people to go, to walk away from me, that would make people leave me. And although people left me before, I could always tell myself that they were the wrong ones. They were the one who could not appreciate me for who I was, and I'd rather be alone than not being myself. That argument was no longer valid.

I've turned into a person who was always prepared to be let go, and who would go the extra mile to please, to apologize, to annul myself, if that would make someone like me. I was always ready to be abandoned. It was just a matter of time for me to screw things up, like I screwed things up with you.

Closure in 2 acts.

Act I - The Panda

I met you online, and usually people I meet online are all about the body, but rarely about the person inside it. You seemed to be one of those, at least initially, but once in a while a surprise comes along in a world of meh. You were that surprise. I cannot explain how or when, but you suddenly started to be more than someone I swapped nudes with. We started to become friends.

Our friendship grew, and even though you were always very clear about how much you still wanted the body, you become something essential in my life. We talked every day about everything, and you were closer to me than almost anyone else. You were in the same level, and sometimes one step ahead, of the people I saw every day.

But you were not here. You were a quarter of a planet and five time zones away. And if that wasn't bad enough, you had a very possessive and controlling husband, and you were trapped in an oppressive and abusive relationship. I wanted us to become friends, I wanted to be in your life, meet your kids, meet your husband and you meet mine. And two things started to be clear to me: first, we could make it work despite the distance and the adversities; second, we would never be more than friends. Doing anything else would jeopardise everything we were building. I never stopped finding you attractive, but I stopped seeing you as someone I wanted to fuck. I thought what we had was more important than anything else, and that included sex.

We only met once, but it felt like I knew you for years. That we had had just seen each other the week before. I had a lovely time with your family, on your favourite pub, and I later ate one of the best cheesecakes I ever had. I wished then that we could have spent more time together. And we were so excited about that meeting that we forgot to make a picture. We had memories, and the promise of more to come in the future.

But that future did not come. One day, over a video call, everything crumbled. I got upset with the realisation that I wouldn't see you when you came to the UK, and you took yourself away. And that moment haunted me for the next year. I never fully understood what happened then. My logic told me that it was not so bad, but reality acted in a different way. We stopped talking, and later you decided to end the friendship. Just like that, it was over.

I tried to understand, to explain, to make sense. How could something so small and so simple break a friendship so strong and deep as we had? Why did we recover from worse moments, and still this one was beyond salvation? Did I do something so horrible or so wrong, and was I failing to see it? Or what did I not see, what could I not understand, which pieces of the puzzle did I not have?

I asked myself these questions for years, and I built theories. It took me a while to get over you, but eventually I did. I never got closure, but I did move on. I accepted that you were my ghost. You'd appear to haunt me once in a while, but you were, at that point, harmless. I would wake up from your nightmare feeling scared, but then I'd realise it had only been a nightmare, now I was awake and you were not there, in the real world. Life was ok.

Yesterday

The thing is, yesterday there were probably more things under the hood than I let show. But I don't want you to think that I am lying to you or hiding things from you. I am not even sure I know what is under that hood.

My best guess at the moment is that yesterday I started to understand how I feel about you and how our friendship will develop further. I knew something was happening for a while, but I still could not see the big picture. Now the pieces are falling into their right position. I don't have the full picture yet, but I see the direction it is taking. I can tell if its a landscape, a painting, a place, a city, etc.

And I am scared. On top of everything that is going on right now, I am scared about what I feel and how I will deal with that feeling. I am scared about how things will play out for us, now that the world is different. And I am scared with getting hurt, but also being the one that hurts someone. In every scenario that I play this in my head, it goes horribly wrong and there is a lot of pain. Still I cannot let go. I need to follow through. I need to see where this will take me.

If there is one other thing I learned yesterday is that it is and will be worth it. Pain is part of life, and one cannot avoid it if one wants to live. And I want to live. I want you to be part of my life. I want to hear your voice and see your face when I feel sad. I want to hug you again. I want to hear you telling me that it will be OK.

I know it will be, but it's nicer when it comes from you.

The third law

I have a bad habit of revisiting things. I can't just let it in the past, I have to go back to it, read it again, try to understand it. And there's a reason for that: it's like a football coach watching past games to learn from them. On the heat of the moment, things are said and things need to be said, so sometimes we lose sight of some stuff in order to focus on others. When I come back to it afterwards, my mind is cleared and I don't have the urgency of the conversation to distract me, so I can see the whole picture. It's a bad habit, but not one I regret having.

The bad side is to see things that could have been left unseen, things that could have been ignored. The whole picture has all sides: the good and the not so. I learned a lot from the whole picture of our chat over the weekend. As someone who likes to make lists, it's only fair for me to list them:

- You don't want me to get out of your life. You value our friendship and the place I have in your life.

- I should be glad that you get to talk to me as much as you do. Not only it is not common for you to have video chats with your friends, you don't chat with them that often. So I don't have any right to complain.

- The issues he has about us are a reflection of his own failure: in 4+ years together he wasn't able to reach you like a random stranger from Instagram did. Despite all the time you were together, you were closer to someone online than you were to him, living under your roof and sleeping in your bed. That's his fault, but as it's well established, he needs to have someone else to blame for it. 

- I don't have and will probably never have the same place in your life as your other friends, but that's not something new to me. The distance and the time we know each other are a huge part of this.

- The new bit is that you already think that you give me so much, and you do, but you don't realise (or didn't in the chat) is that I am more interested in quality than quantity. And I don't mean that what you offer me is low quality in favour of high quantity, but I would be willing to give up some of the quantity for a different type of quality - for example, I would be OK with talking to you less, if that would mean that I can talk to you whenever I want, and not have to schedule our chats around his life. But again, I should be thankful for anything I can get.

- You are not willing to make him uncomfortable, which I understand, but that also means sometimes making me uncomfortable instead. As I'm nice and understanding, you prefer to throw it to my side.

- As long as you two are together, my place in your life will not change. This, as we are right now, is as good as it gets. At the moment that is something we can handle, but moving forward I will want more. As I told you, I don't invest in a friendship unless it is a real life friendship. Ours is mainly virtual, and that main theme will probably never change because of our life set up - distance, time zones, my job... But I won't be willing to waste the few real opportunities to leave the virtual into the real one because someone does not like me. This is not a decision for now, but one that will have to be made at some point, if you two remain together.

- Equally, I have to rethink the place you have in my life. Right now you are probably the closest person to me after the Husbear, and I would jump almost any hoops to give you priority. It is clear that this is not the case with you, and without going into right or wrong, good or bad, it is not healthy if our friendship is not well balanced. If we don't find the balance, the whole thing will crack and fall to the ground. As I realised that the change won't come from you, I will be the one who does it.

I believe I already started to change the way I behave towards you and our friendship. It is a slow process, but it is in motion. It is inevitable. Newton already knew that many centuries ago: every action has a reaction. It is called exact science for a reason: there is not room to wiggle. I tried, and I had to learn this the hard way.

In vino veritas

It's obvious that I still have feelings for you - that's why you're one of the people I drunkenly bothered yesterday. But it's too late for us.

Yesterday was like when you dream with someone who died. It seems real, but then you wake up and realize it was just a dream. That person is still dead and life moved on.

Life moved on on our friendship.

All that matters

I was watching a tv show today, and one of the characters were telling a story about how they fucked up and how her loved ones went away when things got messy. How she spent years telling herself that tough love made her stronger, and then she said this:

"You know what I really wanted? I wish they would have told me I made a mistake but they still loved me and they would try to help me figure it out."

It sounds silly, but that reiterated on me of something I already knew: I don't need to wish that you do that, because you already do it. I fucked up, and I am very embarrassed about it. To a point where I don't know if I can tell this to anyone else without worrying that they'll judge me, give me a hard time and maybe even want to go away because things became messy. But I never, at any point, had this fear about you. I knew that I could share this with you and you'd be on my side. You'd be supportive and helpful. You'd still love me and try to help me figure it out, just like the lady in the sitcom said. And, no surprises here, this is exactly what you did.

I could describe you in a thousand different ways: my husband, my best friend, the love of my life... But ultimately, you became a part of me. Some other people in my life, like my friends or guys that I'm interested in, they're like a t-shirt or a gadget. I like them, sometimes I want to have them all the time, sometimes I take them out. Some of them stay in my life for a long time, some go after a while.

You, on the other hand, are like a leg, an arm. You are a bit of me, and you are with me all the time. I might not be happy about you sometimes, but I cannot and I do not want to get you out. If I would lose you, I could survive, but my life would not be the same as it is right now. My life would be worse and more difficult without you. I might not need you to survive, but I certainly need you to live.

This might sound like I'm dependent on you, and maybe in some level I am. But you also know how much I love my body, so you understand how much I love you. You are part of me. And I'm happy I said hi to you on that subway car. I'm happy I insisted on kissing you, even though you had a boyfriend at the time. I'm happy I took you to Prague, I asked you to move in with me, I asked you to married me and I said yes when the officiant asked me if I agreed to marry you.

I'm happy you are in my life, and the place you have no one else will ever reach. No matter what happens, no matter how good or bad things become, I want to be with you until the end. 

So thank you. For being supportive, for giving me love, for helping me live. Thank you for being a part of me. Thank you for being my husband, my love, my friend, my arm or my leg. I don't know what will happen now, but I know it will be ok because you'll be there with me. And that's all that matters.

But why not today?

There's nothing I can write here that you don't already know. You know every bit of my soul, sometimes even better than me. With you, there's nothing else I need to say, nothing else left unsaid. 

When it comes to you, I don't need this blog.

Don't wave it just yet...

I don't think you answered my questions, but I have a feeling that this has more to do with the fact that you don't know the answers than the fact that you're actually trying to hide them from me. You told me the surface things, what is the immediate reasons why things happened, but what I am looking for is the very rooted, very deep reasons. You told me the rational, conscious choices, whilst I'm looking for the irrational and subconscious ones.

I also don't think that trust necessarily takes being used to a specific situation - in a sense that this breezy convo happened for the first time and you never experienced it before, so you had an "excuse" (for the lack of a better word) to feel the way you did. To put it in a better way: I have never seen you with a gun, but if we were alone in a room, no witnesses, an easy way out and you had a loaded gun, I wouldn't expect for even a split second that you'd shoot me. I may not know how you act around a gun (or that specific situation), but I know you well enough to know what I could or could not expect from you.

The husbear asked me yesterday why do I put up with this. I used to be able to answer this question promptly, without hesitation. But lately I am thinking about it myself. I don't think our journey will ever be smooth: There's the massive distance, which used to be physical, but lately is also becoming metaphorical. Now we cannot meet each other as often as we thought we could, and the slight chance that this happens has to jump hoops, like someone else accepting to take a trip to this side of things.

And since we are touching this, I also think that this burden is not mine alone. This whole situation from yesterday might have less to do with me and more to do with him and the dynamic of you two. I don't want to talk about him behind his back, there is just too much baggage there. It's like he's done stuff so often to you that you're numbed by it, you came to expect the worst in everyone because you expect the worse in him. And maybe you're ok with it, but I'm not sure I am.

I also feel he'll never be able to accept me in your life, no matter how much I try to show him what a good guy I am and how I am NOT trying to compete with him. I feel like there will never be space for me and him in your life, and that's because he doesn't want to accept me and my space. I've been trying my best, but I cannot do this alone. He needs to meet me halfway here. I can't help but feeling that I'm fighting a battle with him - a battle I cannot win. He won't rest until I'm out of your life, until he finally wins and throws in your face how right he was about me and about your "adventure" with me.

I don't necessarily think that he's a bad person or he's doing this on purpose, maybe this is part of his personality, maybe that's how he is. I don't know him enough to determine what his reasons are, and that's beside the point anyway. The point is that, once again, maybe you're ok/used to this, but I'm not. I am not a drama person, I like to live life as drama free as possible. And our friendship has not been drama free.

I once wrote him a letter here saying that sometimes we need to let things go, and there's nothing we can do about it. Maybe it's time I take my own advice. It looks like we might come to a point where the bads will overtake the goods, and I'll ask myself what's the point of it. I'm not there yet, but I can see that future now, amongst other future possibilities for us. I want to fight this, but my men are not coming back alive from the battlefront. If nothing changes, soon it will be time for me to show my white flag.

Maybe I should start writing my concession speech...

Why would I expect anything different?

It was nothing, just a tiny issue, which maybe cannot even be called an issue. But it felt like the drop that made the water finally escape the cup. Once again you showed how individualistic and selfish you can be. How much you only think about yourself, what is good for you, and how everyone else should just accept that. It is such a common sense that even Rainer told me: did you honestly expect a different outcome?
But I think that what makes it worse is that I cannot challenge you. Years of friendship and I do not feel comfortable to call you on your bullshit. And you know why is that? Because it happened once, and when it did, you were a complete asshole about it. And you tell me stories of people calling you on your bullshit, and how you are a complete asshole about it. When you tell me those stories, you think you are the hero, but I can clearly see you as the villain. Are you that delusional?
Why people put up with you? This is the question I am asking myself right now. But further than that, I am asking myself if you are a "good moments" kind of friend. A person that, as long as it is all good, it works. The moment something goes wrong, it falls apart. 
You were there for me and helped me when I was down, and I will never forget that. And I will be forever grateful to you for that. That place you will never lose in my life. I am just trying to figure out which other place, if any else, do you have there...

It's complicated

Ok so I feel really bad to tell you this, and I don't expect you to answer to it, although there's a raw part of me who wants you to answer. It's complicated, everything about this is complicated.

The thing is, I wish I kissed you. Please, don't get me wrong: I am absolutely glad I did not kiss you, and I am absolutely sure this was the right way, especially in light of recent events. But I wish I did. It sucks that I wish it, but it's true. And I'm not even considering whether you'd have kissed me back or not. I just cannot stop thinking about kissing you.

I hope the four of us get to do this thing, so I can have you without damaging anything with him. And I cannot deny that having him around if this happens would be an amazing plus and a great way to finally get this done.

The talk

Next week, if we meet, I want to have a chat with you. That will happen in the last day, before we both go home. We will discuss the future of our friendship and I will ask you to make a choice, but not the choice you're probably thinking about.

This is not something new, this is something I have planned for a long time, something I want to do when we finally meet in person. 

I am writing this now to mark the occasion, to avoid any questioning from your side that this talk was triggered by something that happened after we met in person. No matter how good or bad the weekend goes, we will have this talk.

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Dear Bernardo,

I love you! I might not say that so often anymore, and sometimes I'm not even sure that I'm showing you that, but I do. I think you are amazing, I am glad that you are around and I am immensely happy to spend the rest of my life with you. We'll be together until the end, and we will make the best out of it.

So thank you for being alive, for being there and for being you. You're amazing! And I love you!