All that matters

I was watching a tv show today, and one of the characters were telling a story about how they fucked up and how her loved ones went away when things got messy. How she spent years telling herself that tough love made her stronger, and then she said this:

"You know what I really wanted? I wish they would have told me I made a mistake but they still loved me and they would try to help me figure it out."

It sounds silly, but that reiterated on me of something I already knew: I don't need to wish that you do that, because you already do it. I fucked up, and I am very embarrassed about it. To a point where I don't know if I can tell this to anyone else without worrying that they'll judge me, give me a hard time and maybe even want to go away because things became messy. But I never, at any point, had this fear about you. I knew that I could share this with you and you'd be on my side. You'd be supportive and helpful. You'd still love me and try to help me figure it out, just like the lady in the sitcom said. And, no surprises here, this is exactly what you did.

I could describe you in a thousand different ways: my husband, my best friend, the love of my life... But ultimately, you became a part of me. Some other people in my life, like my friends or guys that I'm interested in, they're like a t-shirt or a gadget. I like them, sometimes I want to have them all the time, sometimes I take them out. Some of them stay in my life for a long time, some go after a while.

You, on the other hand, are like a leg, an arm. You are a bit of me, and you are with me all the time. I might not be happy about you sometimes, but I cannot and I do not want to get you out. If I would lose you, I could survive, but my life would not be the same as it is right now. My life would be worse and more difficult without you. I might not need you to survive, but I certainly need you to live.

This might sound like I'm dependent on you, and maybe in some level I am. But you also know how much I love my body, so you understand how much I love you. You are part of me. And I'm happy I said hi to you on that subway car. I'm happy I insisted on kissing you, even though you had a boyfriend at the time. I'm happy I took you to Prague, I asked you to move in with me, I asked you to married me and I said yes when the officiant asked me if I agreed to marry you.

I'm happy you are in my life, and the place you have no one else will ever reach. No matter what happens, no matter how good or bad things become, I want to be with you until the end. 

So thank you. For being supportive, for giving me love, for helping me live. Thank you for being a part of me. Thank you for being my husband, my love, my friend, my arm or my leg. I don't know what will happen now, but I know it will be ok because you'll be there with me. And that's all that matters.