I don't think you answered my questions, but I have a feeling that this has more to do with the fact that you don't know the answers than the fact that you're actually trying to hide them from me. You told me the surface things, what is the immediate reasons why things happened, but what I am looking for is the very rooted, very deep reasons. You told me the rational, conscious choices, whilst I'm looking for the irrational and subconscious ones.
I also don't think that trust necessarily takes being used to a specific situation - in a sense that this breezy convo happened for the first time and you never experienced it before, so you had an "excuse" (for the lack of a better word) to feel the way you did. To put it in a better way: I have never seen you with a gun, but if we were alone in a room, no witnesses, an easy way out and you had a loaded gun, I wouldn't expect for even a split second that you'd shoot me. I may not know how you act around a gun (or that specific situation), but I know you well enough to know what I could or could not expect from you.
The husbear asked me yesterday why do I put up with this. I used to be able to answer this question promptly, without hesitation. But lately I am thinking about it myself. I don't think our journey will ever be smooth: There's the massive distance, which used to be physical, but lately is also becoming metaphorical. Now we cannot meet each other as often as we thought we could, and the slight chance that this happens has to jump hoops, like someone else accepting to take a trip to this side of things.
And since we are touching this, I also think that this burden is not mine alone. This whole situation from yesterday might have less to do with me and more to do with him and the dynamic of you two. I don't want to talk about him behind his back, there is just too much baggage there. It's like he's done stuff so often to you that you're numbed by it, you came to expect the worst in everyone because you expect the worse in him. And maybe you're ok with it, but I'm not sure I am.
I also feel he'll never be able to accept me in your life, no matter how much I try to show him what a good guy I am and how I am NOT trying to compete with him. I feel like there will never be space for me and him in your life, and that's because he doesn't want to accept me and my space. I've been trying my best, but I cannot do this alone. He needs to meet me halfway here. I can't help but feeling that I'm fighting a battle with him - a battle I cannot win. He won't rest until I'm out of your life, until he finally wins and throws in your face how right he was about me and about your "adventure" with me.
I don't necessarily think that he's a bad person or he's doing this on purpose, maybe this is part of his personality, maybe that's how he is. I don't know him enough to determine what his reasons are, and that's beside the point anyway. The point is that, once again, maybe you're ok/used to this, but I'm not. I am not a drama person, I like to live life as drama free as possible. And our friendship has not been drama free.
I once wrote him a letter here saying that sometimes we need to let things go, and there's nothing we can do about it. Maybe it's time I take my own advice. It looks like we might come to a point where the bads will overtake the goods, and I'll ask myself what's the point of it. I'm not there yet, but I can see that future now, amongst other future possibilities for us. I want to fight this, but my men are not coming back alive from the battlefront. If nothing changes, soon it will be time for me to show my white flag.
Maybe I should start writing my concession speech...
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