Yesterday

The thing is, yesterday there were probably more things under the hood than I let show. But I don't want you to think that I am lying to you or hiding things from you. I am not even sure I know what is under that hood.

My best guess at the moment is that yesterday I started to understand how I feel about you and how our friendship will develop further. I knew something was happening for a while, but I still could not see the big picture. Now the pieces are falling into their right position. I don't have the full picture yet, but I see the direction it is taking. I can tell if its a landscape, a painting, a place, a city, etc.

And I am scared. On top of everything that is going on right now, I am scared about what I feel and how I will deal with that feeling. I am scared about how things will play out for us, now that the world is different. And I am scared with getting hurt, but also being the one that hurts someone. In every scenario that I play this in my head, it goes horribly wrong and there is a lot of pain. Still I cannot let go. I need to follow through. I need to see where this will take me.

If there is one other thing I learned yesterday is that it is and will be worth it. Pain is part of life, and one cannot avoid it if one wants to live. And I want to live. I want you to be part of my life. I want to hear your voice and see your face when I feel sad. I want to hug you again. I want to hear you telling me that it will be OK.

I know it will be, but it's nicer when it comes from you.