Dear E.

I never expected to write you one of those, because never before in our friendship I felt like I couldn't tell you something directly. Yet here I am, not feeling safe enough to have this conversation with you right now. I feel like if I open my heart to you, there is a big chance that you'll run a knife through it and tear it into pieces. Normally my heart is tough, and it can take some damage. But right now, my heart is bruised and weak, and it cannot take much more. 

I haven't been well in the last days. I am in a dark headspace, where I am feeling unappealing to everyone, in every aspect. And I told you that on Friday. I also told you multiple times that I have difficulties to reach out and ask for help, because on times like this all I can feel is that I am a burden to someone and I want to get away, to stop bothering them. But maybe because you are away, maybe because I've done it so many times that you've become immune to it, or maybe because you just don't care about me, you did not hear my call. You said something about how I should write a book, which was a an inappropriate comment to make especially when I was feeling so bad, and nothing else. You did not offer support. Neither then, nor afterwards. Not once in the whole weekend or Monday you asked me how I was feeling, if I was better or if there was anything you could do to help.

I don't know if you ever had to deal with someone who is going through mental health issues, but sometimes the mind can go to very dark places, and something as simple as saying "I need help" cannot be done. When we become friends with someone, we start to know them very well, and we should be able to develop a six sense to help identify when our friends are struggling. This is even harder when having a text based friendship, which requires us to raise our awareness even further to such issues. Maybe this is something you can learn for the future. You've got nothing to lose, this would only make you a better person.

On top of that, you called me a liar on Monday. And right after that you attacked me and the only way I would have to defend my honour and prove that I am not a liar, saying it was a disgusting and offensive habit. As this is something I have done before, I could not help but feel like you were calling me disgusting and offensive. Wether it was your intention or not, it still hurt me very deeply.

A disgusting and offensive habit is to say something and then back out, pretending you never did, and make other people feel bad for pointing it out. And then blocking people to argument their side with proof. You do that often, and you expect us to just put up with it. It seems small, it was just a comment about a drunk chat, but to me it is huge, especially when I have to consider that it was not the first time and sadly, probably won't be the last. I firmly believe one should honour what one said and done, and it takes balls to look back and admit that they did or said something, even if it was not great. You criticise your country's president, but you act exactly like him at times. Sendings screenshots is nothing more than fact checking with hard proof. But if you would have kept your word and/or admitted what you said and done, fact checking and screenshots would not have been necessary to start with.

You let me down this weekend, and I had to go to a place I never thought I would in our friendship: I had to walk away. I wish I could have had this conversation with you there and then, but I was not (and still am not) strong enough for how you would react, and how you would potentially strike back at me. I hate myself for being afraid of you right now, but I am also not a good liar, so I cannot hide the fact that I am afraid of you right now. I hope we can still have this chat, because as your friend this is something I must do. I cannot sit and see you do something wrong without saying anything. But I need time. I need to rebuild my armour, to be able to take whatever it is that you throw back at me.

I know I am not saying anything absurd here. That I am not being unreasonable. And I know that I love you and care about you enough to want to make you be a better person, and not in a condescending way. I hope you will be able to see this as well. But I can only hope. I cannot get inside your head and inside your heart and make you see it. This path, my friend, needs to be walked by you.