For me, one of the boringest things in the male gay world is people who say they're only this or only that. I get, preferences and stuff, but by being a gay man you usually have the chance both to fuck and to get fucked, so why not use the best of all worlds?
All that said, I am only a top, and I've been like that for a while now. I can write here justifying my preference and behaviour, but that doesn't make me less boring. In fact, I don't like to be a top only, but at the moment I don't have a choice. And I'm hoping to change that. I want to take back the control of my ass.
I started my sex life being exclusively bottom. Back then, I didn't accept myself as a gay man, and the excuse I used to trick my brain into thinking I was straight is that I would do with boys what I couldn't get from girls - I would have my ass fucked. I could never be active with another guy, because in my head that would make me gay. After all, I could put my cock inside a pussy, so I did not need to "use" boys.
In my early 20s, when I started to accept my sexuality and embrace it, I tried fucking someone and I liked it. I then became full time versatile. I would do basically anything - inside the normal spectrum, as I've always been a bit of a vanilla. Those were happy days.
Later in life I had a bad experience - I don't want to go into details to preserve those involved, but in a nutshell he was big and he was bad, and that changed me. Even physically, as I believe he literally torn me apart. Since then I lost the interest in being bottom, cause it was always associated with pain and discomfort.
Still, the bottom in me kept showing signs that he was alive and well. I kept having fantasies about being penetrated, and when I was with someone who I fancied, I always imagined how it would be to have them inside me. The one factor in common with all those boys is that they had either small or thin cocks.
Right, now I want to make a pause and talk about small and/or thin dicks. I've never been that much into penis size, even when I used to bottom before. Sounds very cliche, but for me it was always a matter of how it's used and what else comes attached to that cock. In fact, I came to notice throughout the years that people with small and/or thin cocks are, in general, better in bed. My theory is that they know they're not massive, so they make more effort to compensate what they feel is not enough. Same applies to guys who are not the main beauty standard. I came to notice that someone who's hot, have a big dick, etc, tend to rely too much on that and don't do much else. Again, this is generalisation and all rules have exceptions. Besides, I firmly believe that there are lots and lots more things to do than to put a penis inside an ass, and a good fuck can (and often does) happen without penetration.
All this and the discomfort in being a bottom affected me to such extent that I developed a fetish for people with small cocks. I search for those kind of videos to masturbate, and I get genuinely pleased when I meet one in real life. And I promise this is in no way pity.
Another thing that is part of my masturbation fantasies is to be a bottom. More and more I think about being passive, having someone fuck me, but it doesn't only stay in the introduction of the penis in my asshole. It goes further. It's about the feeling of someone pushing their body against mine. Forcing themselves - not in an unauthorized way - inside me. The knowledge that my butt is giving them intense pleasure - just as my mouth, hand and cock can do.
But when it comes to the real world, it is very disappointing. Even though I consider myself much more penis oriented than bum oriented, probably because of something realted to Freud's phallical phase, I can be very liberal with my hole. People are allowed to lick it, touch it and even lightly finger it. More than that and it becomes painful and uncomfortable. The main reason I don't bottom is because it hurts. But not in a "of course it hurts but I enjoy it " pain. It hurts for real, and it hurts real bad. To a point that there's no more pleasure.
I do believe that there is something physical, maybe some sort of hemorrhoid. But there's also a psychological factor involved, I am sure. And I'm willing to change them, both of them. I want to be a bottom again. I want to fulfill my fantasies and stop being a boring gay. I want to ask someone to give it to me good. I want my ass fucked.
I don't know how I will achieve that, but that's one of my goals from now on. And maybe, who know, in a couple of years I can be bottoming in a town near you.
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