I hope you're ok?

No, mate, I'm not ok.

I think about you every day. It's one of the first things that comes to my mind when I wake up, and it's one of the last things I think about before I go to sleep. I miss you a lot, more than I was even aware I would. I even deleted and blocked you from all types of social media, in the hopes that I would.hurt less if I didn't get to see you. It didn't work, cause you're inside my mind.

I'm also experiencing the return of a lot of my unresolved abandonment issues due to the fact that you left. I'm not saying this is your fault - if anything, it's my fault: my background, my experiences and insecurities. But you are certainly the trigger.

I'm afraid of talking to people, I'm afraid I'm always doing something wrong, but worst of all, I'm afraid of being myself with people around me. Even those who are close to me, like my best friends and my husband. I was myself in a very deep level with you and you left very fast and with a very thin explanation, and that just fuels the belief that it's my fault that you left. That you left because of me being me.

I also couldn't bid for Toronto flights in June, cause I'm very far from ready to be there and don't be with you. To be there and don't see you. To be close and at the same time so far away. All the antecipation about Toronto finally coming back to schedule became fear, discomfort and resentment.

But probably what hurts the most is that I don't want to be your friend anymore. Getting over our friendship has been hard, and I feel like I could never try anything else again with you, as I would be too afraid of losing you again and going through all this again. I'm not sure I could handle this for a second time. Besides, I feel like I did not deserve the way you left me. I get that you have a lot on your plate over there, but you said you'd be here forever and then something changed. And whatever it was, it was stronger than our friendship. And I keep wracking my brain, trying to think what could have been so strong to beat how strong our friendship was. And slowly it's sinking into me that it wasn't anything strong. I rolled my eyes at you and that was enough. So our friendship was not as strong as I believed it was. At least not for you. You dismissed me from your life very easily. I have some other theories as well to why you left, but that terrifies me even further. 

Right now I feel trapped in an unsolvable problem: you're the only thing that could make it better, but at the same time I don't want you to be the solution. So no, mate, I am not ok. I'm a wreck. But that won't make any difference to you. It's none of your business, as we're not friends anymore. So I'll go back to write about you and about what I'm going through in my blog, I'll go back to talking to my real friends about it, I'll go back to living my life and finding my peace, and then one day it will hopefully be alright again. 

I hope one day I'll be able to think about you and feel nothing. Until the day comes, where I don't think about you at all. Then I will be ok. Then, life will be good again.