I feel like you deserve an explanation to why I went away - I thought a lot about this initial sentence, because I don't want to say that I owe you one. You lost your right to be owed something by me a long time ago. This one is on you, and maybe I shouldn't tell you anything. But this is my letter, to get my closure, and to make me feel like a better person, so I can move on.
In a nutshell, you are boring, annoying and creepy. That alone would not be a reason for me to go, but your behaviour started to affect me, my relationship and my friends. Until we got to the point where I said "enough" and cut you from my life. I don't miss you and I genuinely think my life is better without you. And probably the only reasons we started a friendship is because I haven't seen your true colors then, and I did not have any other options.
You seemed like a nice guy, you are cute and interesting, but you don't seem to understand the concept of boundaries and respect. This game we play also has rules, even though it is not a conventional game. And one of them is that, being an outsider, your are not supposed to try to be an insider. Unless the conditions are perfect for that - trust me, been there, done that, took the pic and got the t-shirt. And even when I was the one kicking the insider out to get his place, it hurt me to do so. You seem to be ok with that. The way you acted around my man, especially when I was not around, was so extreme that even he had to tell you off. And he's probably the nicest person anyone will ever meet. He does not tell people off. He did with you, what does that tell you?
You disrespected him at work, acting so intimate around him to the point that some people started to think you were me. You put his career in danger. We will be eternally grateful to you for all the help to get the job, but not at any cost. You used the time that I was away to abuse your friendship and force something with him, while pretending you were my buddy when I was back. And even if you tell me now this never happened, the fact that I felt this way shows how bad was the way you behaved. I am not a jealous person, ask anyone. I do not mind if he fucks around, if people come to sleep with him in our bed, if he spends the day watching movies and cuddling. I was jealous of you. And not because I think you are better than me and would threaten me, but because I you crossed so many lines.
And then one day you came to our house and forced your way into a very drunk friend, who had a boyfriend at the time and was in a closed relationship. You took him home, pretending to be a nice person and to help someone, but you only thought about yourself and what you wanted, disregarding how many times he said no. You knew that, in that state, he would not resist you too much. Ok, we are all grown ups here, and being drunk is not an excuse for anything. But what you did not see was him crying in our couch for a couple of hours the next day, because he cheated on his boyfriend. He clearly did not want that, and if you have asked him while he was sober, he would have said no - like he said so many times early on the party. As the sober one, you should have known better and been the better person. You were not - big surprise.
From that point on, you were banned from my house and later from my life. I was sure that you were someone I did not want around, and I would try to be as far away from you as possible. You are toxic and selfish - that seems to be the common opinion of anyone that gets to know you, after you are in their life for a while. Others told me so.
So why am I here spending my lines and kilobytes writing you this letter? Because of J., who is my actual friend, whom I love and who is an incredible person. One of the things we talked about was that everybody deserves an explanation to why someone leaves them. J. says not everybody does, and I told him I would never do that to anyone. I was wrong, I did it to you and you deserved it. J. was right. But this bothers me.
I do not want to be that person, I want to be someone better. I am doing this for me. To have my heart in peace that I put this out there, that you have the chance to see it, maybe understand it, and who knows, learn something from it. It is not my problem if you will see this or not. I honestly do not care about you, or whether you will be a better person or not. This is for my peace of mind. I might have gone without an explanation, but there is one here for you to see.
I am being selfish, but you, of all people, will understand that.
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