Closure in 2 acts.

Act II - The Hawk

I know anymore exactly how or why, but suddenly you came back to life. To my life, that is, as you haven't really died in the real world, only in my metaphor. And we started talking again. In the beginning I was unsure this would be a good idea:I think there's an old saying that goes about someone who has been burned before is afraid to play with fire again. I don't think I could describe it better.

The truth is, I never had any negative feelings towards your person. I was just afraid of what you represented. Talking to you again was reliving everything, and there was a huge part of my brain telling me to run and never look back.

But there was also my heart telling me to stay. To listen to what you had to say. To give you a chance to explain your side, and give me a chance to see the full picture and understand what really happened. I had to listen to my heart on this one - something I learned both from you and from Roxette. 

And I did listen to you. I asked you questions, I gave you the chance to tell me your story. I ate it, digested and assimilated what you said. And I am a better person for it. Not simply because I was kind, but because I could learn more about myself and understand the root of some behaviours I have now.

Dealing with people is not mathematics, there's no right or wrong answer. There's no definite result to get. Sometimes things just don't work out, and that's ok. It's not my or your fault, or anyone else's. It's just the cards that have been dealt are not great, and the pile didn't offer anything better. Maybe you got the cards I needed, and I got the ones you did. As they say in Montreal: c'est la vie.

I never blamed you, and today I see that I should not have blamed myself either. The issues I had were my fault, you were only the trigger. But your actions would not have had any effect if it wasn't for my personality, my insecurities and my personal issues. Those issues are not (and probably will never be) completely sorted, but I understand now better how to control them.

I have another virtual friend now. He's what you and I would have been, if things were different. I now see that I brought a lot of baggage from our friendship to my friendship with him. Some of it was bad and created friction, but some of it helped me navigate things better with him than I did with you. 

I learned a lot from you, and I learned a lot about myself. And that's what stuck to me: not the bad things, not the issues we had, not the hard times. But the fact that you made me a better person. And I will alway be thankful to you for that. I don't see you and me as friends anymore, and I don't think I ever will. But I like the idea of having you in my life, knowing that if I'm ever at your city, I can give you a ring and maybe meet for a coffee or a poutine. That we can be social to each other and chit chat on WhatsApp about life. I'm happy with that arrangement. But most important, I got closure. And I can move on.

Closure in 2 acts.

Intermission

Since you've been gone I became a different person. I lost a lot of my self confidence and I trusted myself way less than I did before. The whole situation wrecked me. I got destroyed, and only now I can begin to understand the extent of that destruction, and how I can start to rebuild.

You got to know me deep, deeper than most people, and one day you just left without an explanation. So the only thing I had to blame was myself. And I did. For years I managed to take good care of the bad voices that told me I'm not good enough, but those voices now had something to feed on. They could loudly whisper in my ear that they were right all along, and finally I was able to see that.

I became afraid of being myself, because that alone would be a reason for people to go, to walk away from me, that would make people leave me. And although people left me before, I could always tell myself that they were the wrong ones. They were the one who could not appreciate me for who I was, and I'd rather be alone than not being myself. That argument was no longer valid.

I've turned into a person who was always prepared to be let go, and who would go the extra mile to please, to apologize, to annul myself, if that would make someone like me. I was always ready to be abandoned. It was just a matter of time for me to screw things up, like I screwed things up with you.

Closure in 2 acts.

Act I - The Panda

I met you online, and usually people I meet online are all about the body, but rarely about the person inside it. You seemed to be one of those, at least initially, but once in a while a surprise comes along in a world of meh. You were that surprise. I cannot explain how or when, but you suddenly started to be more than someone I swapped nudes with. We started to become friends.

Our friendship grew, and even though you were always very clear about how much you still wanted the body, you become something essential in my life. We talked every day about everything, and you were closer to me than almost anyone else. You were in the same level, and sometimes one step ahead, of the people I saw every day.

But you were not here. You were a quarter of a planet and five time zones away. And if that wasn't bad enough, you had a very possessive and controlling husband, and you were trapped in an oppressive and abusive relationship. I wanted us to become friends, I wanted to be in your life, meet your kids, meet your husband and you meet mine. And two things started to be clear to me: first, we could make it work despite the distance and the adversities; second, we would never be more than friends. Doing anything else would jeopardise everything we were building. I never stopped finding you attractive, but I stopped seeing you as someone I wanted to fuck. I thought what we had was more important than anything else, and that included sex.

We only met once, but it felt like I knew you for years. That we had had just seen each other the week before. I had a lovely time with your family, on your favourite pub, and I later ate one of the best cheesecakes I ever had. I wished then that we could have spent more time together. And we were so excited about that meeting that we forgot to make a picture. We had memories, and the promise of more to come in the future.

But that future did not come. One day, over a video call, everything crumbled. I got upset with the realisation that I wouldn't see you when you came to the UK, and you took yourself away. And that moment haunted me for the next year. I never fully understood what happened then. My logic told me that it was not so bad, but reality acted in a different way. We stopped talking, and later you decided to end the friendship. Just like that, it was over.

I tried to understand, to explain, to make sense. How could something so small and so simple break a friendship so strong and deep as we had? Why did we recover from worse moments, and still this one was beyond salvation? Did I do something so horrible or so wrong, and was I failing to see it? Or what did I not see, what could I not understand, which pieces of the puzzle did I not have?

I asked myself these questions for years, and I built theories. It took me a while to get over you, but eventually I did. I never got closure, but I did move on. I accepted that you were my ghost. You'd appear to haunt me once in a while, but you were, at that point, harmless. I would wake up from your nightmare feeling scared, but then I'd realise it had only been a nightmare, now I was awake and you were not there, in the real world. Life was ok.

Yesterday

The thing is, yesterday there were probably more things under the hood than I let show. But I don't want you to think that I am lying to you or hiding things from you. I am not even sure I know what is under that hood.

My best guess at the moment is that yesterday I started to understand how I feel about you and how our friendship will develop further. I knew something was happening for a while, but I still could not see the big picture. Now the pieces are falling into their right position. I don't have the full picture yet, but I see the direction it is taking. I can tell if its a landscape, a painting, a place, a city, etc.

And I am scared. On top of everything that is going on right now, I am scared about what I feel and how I will deal with that feeling. I am scared about how things will play out for us, now that the world is different. And I am scared with getting hurt, but also being the one that hurts someone. In every scenario that I play this in my head, it goes horribly wrong and there is a lot of pain. Still I cannot let go. I need to follow through. I need to see where this will take me.

If there is one other thing I learned yesterday is that it is and will be worth it. Pain is part of life, and one cannot avoid it if one wants to live. And I want to live. I want you to be part of my life. I want to hear your voice and see your face when I feel sad. I want to hug you again. I want to hear you telling me that it will be OK.

I know it will be, but it's nicer when it comes from you.

The third law

I have a bad habit of revisiting things. I can't just let it in the past, I have to go back to it, read it again, try to understand it. And there's a reason for that: it's like a football coach watching past games to learn from them. On the heat of the moment, things are said and things need to be said, so sometimes we lose sight of some stuff in order to focus on others. When I come back to it afterwards, my mind is cleared and I don't have the urgency of the conversation to distract me, so I can see the whole picture. It's a bad habit, but not one I regret having.

The bad side is to see things that could have been left unseen, things that could have been ignored. The whole picture has all sides: the good and the not so. I learned a lot from the whole picture of our chat over the weekend. As someone who likes to make lists, it's only fair for me to list them:

- You don't want me to get out of your life. You value our friendship and the place I have in your life.

- I should be glad that you get to talk to me as much as you do. Not only it is not common for you to have video chats with your friends, you don't chat with them that often. So I don't have any right to complain.

- The issues he has about us are a reflection of his own failure: in 4+ years together he wasn't able to reach you like a random stranger from Instagram did. Despite all the time you were together, you were closer to someone online than you were to him, living under your roof and sleeping in your bed. That's his fault, but as it's well established, he needs to have someone else to blame for it. 

- I don't have and will probably never have the same place in your life as your other friends, but that's not something new to me. The distance and the time we know each other are a huge part of this.

- The new bit is that you already think that you give me so much, and you do, but you don't realise (or didn't in the chat) is that I am more interested in quality than quantity. And I don't mean that what you offer me is low quality in favour of high quantity, but I would be willing to give up some of the quantity for a different type of quality - for example, I would be OK with talking to you less, if that would mean that I can talk to you whenever I want, and not have to schedule our chats around his life. But again, I should be thankful for anything I can get.

- You are not willing to make him uncomfortable, which I understand, but that also means sometimes making me uncomfortable instead. As I'm nice and understanding, you prefer to throw it to my side.

- As long as you two are together, my place in your life will not change. This, as we are right now, is as good as it gets. At the moment that is something we can handle, but moving forward I will want more. As I told you, I don't invest in a friendship unless it is a real life friendship. Ours is mainly virtual, and that main theme will probably never change because of our life set up - distance, time zones, my job... But I won't be willing to waste the few real opportunities to leave the virtual into the real one because someone does not like me. This is not a decision for now, but one that will have to be made at some point, if you two remain together.

- Equally, I have to rethink the place you have in my life. Right now you are probably the closest person to me after the Husbear, and I would jump almost any hoops to give you priority. It is clear that this is not the case with you, and without going into right or wrong, good or bad, it is not healthy if our friendship is not well balanced. If we don't find the balance, the whole thing will crack and fall to the ground. As I realised that the change won't come from you, I will be the one who does it.

I believe I already started to change the way I behave towards you and our friendship. It is a slow process, but it is in motion. It is inevitable. Newton already knew that many centuries ago: every action has a reaction. It is called exact science for a reason: there is not room to wiggle. I tried, and I had to learn this the hard way.