The edge of reason

Feels like I stumbled into the VIP room by mistake, and it's just a matter of time until someone show me the door.

It's not new, but still very actual and accurate.

I hope you're ok?

No, mate, I'm not ok.

I think about you every day. It's one of the first things that comes to my mind when I wake up, and it's one of the last things I think about before I go to sleep. I miss you a lot, more than I was even aware I would. I even deleted and blocked you from all types of social media, in the hopes that I would.hurt less if I didn't get to see you. It didn't work, cause you're inside my mind.

I'm also experiencing the return of a lot of my unresolved abandonment issues due to the fact that you left. I'm not saying this is your fault - if anything, it's my fault: my background, my experiences and insecurities. But you are certainly the trigger.

I'm afraid of talking to people, I'm afraid I'm always doing something wrong, but worst of all, I'm afraid of being myself with people around me. Even those who are close to me, like my best friends and my husband. I was myself in a very deep level with you and you left very fast and with a very thin explanation, and that just fuels the belief that it's my fault that you left. That you left because of me being me.

I also couldn't bid for Toronto flights in June, cause I'm very far from ready to be there and don't be with you. To be there and don't see you. To be close and at the same time so far away. All the antecipation about Toronto finally coming back to schedule became fear, discomfort and resentment.

But probably what hurts the most is that I don't want to be your friend anymore. Getting over our friendship has been hard, and I feel like I could never try anything else again with you, as I would be too afraid of losing you again and going through all this again. I'm not sure I could handle this for a second time. Besides, I feel like I did not deserve the way you left me. I get that you have a lot on your plate over there, but you said you'd be here forever and then something changed. And whatever it was, it was stronger than our friendship. And I keep wracking my brain, trying to think what could have been so strong to beat how strong our friendship was. And slowly it's sinking into me that it wasn't anything strong. I rolled my eyes at you and that was enough. So our friendship was not as strong as I believed it was. At least not for you. You dismissed me from your life very easily. I have some other theories as well to why you left, but that terrifies me even further. 

Right now I feel trapped in an unsolvable problem: you're the only thing that could make it better, but at the same time I don't want you to be the solution. So no, mate, I am not ok. I'm a wreck. But that won't make any difference to you. It's none of your business, as we're not friends anymore. So I'll go back to write about you and about what I'm going through in my blog, I'll go back to talking to my real friends about it, I'll go back to living my life and finding my peace, and then one day it will hopefully be alright again. 

I hope one day I'll be able to think about you and feel nothing. Until the day comes, where I don't think about you at all. Then I will be ok. Then, life will be good again.

The fat closet

A couple of days ago someone made a very rude comment about my belly on the tube, and it made me laugh. Not with joy, neither with shame. It was just amusement. I hasn't and wouldn't affect me negatively, and there's a reason for that. Some things can be changed, others will always remain the same. And that's not really bad.

I've always been overweight, as long as I can remember. As a child I felt self conscious about my thick thighs, and my mom, knowing that and wanting me to be healthier, told me that if I'd eat standing up all the food would go to my thighs. I won't judge my mother's parenting techniques, I just want to show that fat is nothing new in my life. And I've always lived in a world where fat is wrong.

Yes, full disclaimer, there are tons of studies linking obesity and sedentary lifestyle to health issues, so in that aspect fat is bad. But I want to focus here on the aesthetic and social aspect of being fat. Even using the word fat has a negative connotation to it.

I'm alright to say I'm fat. You might want to call it chubby, overweight, excess of deliciousness, thick, large... It's all synonyms, and I always believe that the word by itself is not offensive, but the intention behind is what makes it. But I'm also not here to discuss semantics.

It took me a while to be alright with being fat. My early to mid twenties was filled with crazy diets, slimming pills ordered over the internet or prescribed by dodgy doctors, immense time spent at gyms and the constant aspiration to have a palstic surgery. I was living in Brazil, it's very common there. As an idea of how bad it was, not only once but twice I fainted on top of a spinning bike at the gym, halfway through my 3rd spinning class while starving myself.

I did have a six pack at some point. It was not easy: I only ate lettuce, broccoli and chicken breast, I spent 4 hours a day at the gym, 7 days a week. I felt great, I felt beautiful, my life changed. But it was not natural. It was an artificial change. I couldn't work, have a social life, have a realtionship, eat something here and there. I had to live this abnormal life to have a "normal" body.

Obviously, judging by recent pictures of me, that did not last. I started living my normal life again and the fat came back to me.

Many times I asked myself why. Why was I born like that? Why couldn't I have been born thin? Why couldn't I have better metabolism? Why was I doomed to be fat forever and why was the cost of changing it so high? 

After a while I started to realise that the problem was not with me - or not with my body, to be precise. The problem was with the questions I was asking. The problem was with the perception the world has with being fat, and how that affects us every time, even when we cannot see it. I was not wrong to be who I was, to have the body I had, to live the life I lived. I just had to accept it, accept myself.

Accept may sound defeating, but it's not. Acceptance is a big win. I believe that in life everybody has their different and multiple closets that they need to come out of, and this was one of mine. This is who I am, this is my genetics, this is my body, and even if I lose everything I have - friends, family, job, money, love, dignity - my body will always be there with me until the day I die. So I have two choices here: I can hate it, try to change it and live unhapilly ever after, or I can learn to love and accept it.

Coming out of my fat closet was not easy, but it was achievable for me. And it was a great decision. Once I accepted that I would be forever fat and there's nothing to be done but live with it, the bad thoughts slowly gave space for the good ones. I started seeing that my body has good bits. My thighs, that once we're a source of embarrassment, are now something I'm proud of. My manboobs, who I always associated with femininity, give me great sexual pleasure. My belly is often something I can use to make jokes and get people laughing - usually with me, not at me.

I am proud of my body. I love it, and I care about it. It is my treasure. It is not perfect, but it is the only thing which is truly mine in this life. And this was not an easy journey, but being out of my fat closet made me a better person. Better than any diet, pills or surgery could ever had. Maybe those work for someone else, and if they're happy with them, that's what matters. But this is my story, my truth, my body. 

My amazing, beautiful and very loved fat body. 

Dear B. - Jan, 2019

You broke my heart. And you know what? It was not only once. I get that you have issues, and I understand how serious they are. But that does not make you the center of everything. Everybody has issues, in different degrees and levels. You are probably too busy with yourself to acknowledge what is going on with someone else. And that is a bit selfish, don't you think?

I tried my best to be there for you, to lift you up, to include you in my life. You never let me in for real. I get that it is not easy, but you let others in and that hurt. Because all I always wanted was to help you, and to make you see yourself with my eyes. You are way better than you think, in different aspects. I was trying to show you that. Yes, I know I am not easy to digest. I know I can come across too intense, to say the least, but I have good intentions. And I really liked you.

But then I started to see that, if it wasn't for me, we would not have any contact. I stopped writing you, and I take the blame on this one: I was testing you. I was testing if you would write me back, if you missed me in your life - I also have insecurities, big surprise. Your attitudes gave me the answer I was not hoping for, even though I was expecting it. Until the day I confronted you about it and you just left. Maybe confronting you was not my best move, but I stand by it. And the way you just left everything was a horrible realization that I did not mean a lot to you. 

Not a good feeling.

Now cut to tonight, when you liked one of my pictures. You couldn't even write me anything. And when, again, I confronted you, you said you did not mean it and things have been rough for you. For you. Once again, it is all about you. How you feel, what you do, how things affect you. I don't really make any difference in this equation. If I needed any more proof, you threw it in my face. Silly me for believing things could be different.

You are so into your head and your problems that you cannot see others anymore. I want to help you, but I also need help. We all do. And I feel you are not willing to give. Problem is, there is no relationship with only one way. Don't get me wrong, I would not do things expecting anything in return, it is not about that. It is about being there for each other, being friends, giving and receiving. I want to help, but I don't want to be a professional who is only doing their job. I want to be your friend, but I think you are not ready to be friends with me. Because I should also matter.

If you ever want to tell me your side of things and work on it, I am willing to try. But I will tell you beforehand that I will not jump into us until I am sure it will work. I do not want to get hurt, especially by someone I care about. You helped me learn that.

Perception and perspective

Perception

It's like in a movie, where the hero dates the wrong guy, who everybody hates. And everybody asks themselves why is the hero with that guy. And everybody hopes that they'll break up, leading the hero to finally find true love and happiness, while the wrong guy will be forever miserable. We've all seen that movie, we've all rooted for that outcome. Until you are the wrong guy.

Perspective

A statement like "the sky is blue" is absurd for those under a cloudy sky. They'll call you stupid. They'll make you doubt yourself. But no matter what they say, you know it's true. Even if everybody else cannot see it. Having 99% on one side doesn't make that side true. Actually, most of the times, majorities are wrong. Ironic, isn't it?