All that matters

I was watching a tv show today, and one of the characters were telling a story about how they fucked up and how her loved ones went away when things got messy. How she spent years telling herself that tough love made her stronger, and then she said this:

"You know what I really wanted? I wish they would have told me I made a mistake but they still loved me and they would try to help me figure it out."

It sounds silly, but that reiterated on me of something I already knew: I don't need to wish that you do that, because you already do it. I fucked up, and I am very embarrassed about it. To a point where I don't know if I can tell this to anyone else without worrying that they'll judge me, give me a hard time and maybe even want to go away because things became messy. But I never, at any point, had this fear about you. I knew that I could share this with you and you'd be on my side. You'd be supportive and helpful. You'd still love me and try to help me figure it out, just like the lady in the sitcom said. And, no surprises here, this is exactly what you did.

I could describe you in a thousand different ways: my husband, my best friend, the love of my life... But ultimately, you became a part of me. Some other people in my life, like my friends or guys that I'm interested in, they're like a t-shirt or a gadget. I like them, sometimes I want to have them all the time, sometimes I take them out. Some of them stay in my life for a long time, some go after a while.

You, on the other hand, are like a leg, an arm. You are a bit of me, and you are with me all the time. I might not be happy about you sometimes, but I cannot and I do not want to get you out. If I would lose you, I could survive, but my life would not be the same as it is right now. My life would be worse and more difficult without you. I might not need you to survive, but I certainly need you to live.

This might sound like I'm dependent on you, and maybe in some level I am. But you also know how much I love my body, so you understand how much I love you. You are part of me. And I'm happy I said hi to you on that subway car. I'm happy I insisted on kissing you, even though you had a boyfriend at the time. I'm happy I took you to Prague, I asked you to move in with me, I asked you to married me and I said yes when the officiant asked me if I agreed to marry you.

I'm happy you are in my life, and the place you have no one else will ever reach. No matter what happens, no matter how good or bad things become, I want to be with you until the end. 

So thank you. For being supportive, for giving me love, for helping me live. Thank you for being a part of me. Thank you for being my husband, my love, my friend, my arm or my leg. I don't know what will happen now, but I know it will be ok because you'll be there with me. And that's all that matters.

But why not today?

There's nothing I can write here that you don't already know. You know every bit of my soul, sometimes even better than me. With you, there's nothing else I need to say, nothing else left unsaid. 

When it comes to you, I don't need this blog.

Don't wave it just yet...

I don't think you answered my questions, but I have a feeling that this has more to do with the fact that you don't know the answers than the fact that you're actually trying to hide them from me. You told me the surface things, what is the immediate reasons why things happened, but what I am looking for is the very rooted, very deep reasons. You told me the rational, conscious choices, whilst I'm looking for the irrational and subconscious ones.

I also don't think that trust necessarily takes being used to a specific situation - in a sense that this breezy convo happened for the first time and you never experienced it before, so you had an "excuse" (for the lack of a better word) to feel the way you did. To put it in a better way: I have never seen you with a gun, but if we were alone in a room, no witnesses, an easy way out and you had a loaded gun, I wouldn't expect for even a split second that you'd shoot me. I may not know how you act around a gun (or that specific situation), but I know you well enough to know what I could or could not expect from you.

The husbear asked me yesterday why do I put up with this. I used to be able to answer this question promptly, without hesitation. But lately I am thinking about it myself. I don't think our journey will ever be smooth: There's the massive distance, which used to be physical, but lately is also becoming metaphorical. Now we cannot meet each other as often as we thought we could, and the slight chance that this happens has to jump hoops, like someone else accepting to take a trip to this side of things.

And since we are touching this, I also think that this burden is not mine alone. This whole situation from yesterday might have less to do with me and more to do with him and the dynamic of you two. I don't want to talk about him behind his back, there is just too much baggage there. It's like he's done stuff so often to you that you're numbed by it, you came to expect the worst in everyone because you expect the worse in him. And maybe you're ok with it, but I'm not sure I am.

I also feel he'll never be able to accept me in your life, no matter how much I try to show him what a good guy I am and how I am NOT trying to compete with him. I feel like there will never be space for me and him in your life, and that's because he doesn't want to accept me and my space. I've been trying my best, but I cannot do this alone. He needs to meet me halfway here. I can't help but feeling that I'm fighting a battle with him - a battle I cannot win. He won't rest until I'm out of your life, until he finally wins and throws in your face how right he was about me and about your "adventure" with me.

I don't necessarily think that he's a bad person or he's doing this on purpose, maybe this is part of his personality, maybe that's how he is. I don't know him enough to determine what his reasons are, and that's beside the point anyway. The point is that, once again, maybe you're ok/used to this, but I'm not. I am not a drama person, I like to live life as drama free as possible. And our friendship has not been drama free.

I once wrote him a letter here saying that sometimes we need to let things go, and there's nothing we can do about it. Maybe it's time I take my own advice. It looks like we might come to a point where the bads will overtake the goods, and I'll ask myself what's the point of it. I'm not there yet, but I can see that future now, amongst other future possibilities for us. I want to fight this, but my men are not coming back alive from the battlefront. If nothing changes, soon it will be time for me to show my white flag.

Maybe I should start writing my concession speech...

Why would I expect anything different?

It was nothing, just a tiny issue, which maybe cannot even be called an issue. But it felt like the drop that made the water finally escape the cup. Once again you showed how individualistic and selfish you can be. How much you only think about yourself, what is good for you, and how everyone else should just accept that. It is such a common sense that even Rainer told me: did you honestly expect a different outcome?
But I think that what makes it worse is that I cannot challenge you. Years of friendship and I do not feel comfortable to call you on your bullshit. And you know why is that? Because it happened once, and when it did, you were a complete asshole about it. And you tell me stories of people calling you on your bullshit, and how you are a complete asshole about it. When you tell me those stories, you think you are the hero, but I can clearly see you as the villain. Are you that delusional?
Why people put up with you? This is the question I am asking myself right now. But further than that, I am asking myself if you are a "good moments" kind of friend. A person that, as long as it is all good, it works. The moment something goes wrong, it falls apart. 
You were there for me and helped me when I was down, and I will never forget that. And I will be forever grateful to you for that. That place you will never lose in my life. I am just trying to figure out which other place, if any else, do you have there...