To a very cute and very reserved big bear

I need to be honest with you: I feel a bit intimidated when I talk to you. But I am not saying that you are intimidating, so let me explain...

You and I, we are very different people. We are opposites - and maybe that's why we are attracted to each other. Maybe (or probably) you are the most opposite to me as someone can be. I am this big extrovert with little shame, who's absolutely not shy, is always saying what he thinks, loves to talk about sex and would live his life naked if he could. You seem to be reserved, quiet, shy and always fully dressed in your pictures and videos. I have channels on both xtube and Tumblr.

And here's where the problem begins: I never had to deal with someone like you in my life. I probably told you this before, that being like I am, I learned to deal with rejection like a pro. So whenever I met someone who was not so intense like I am, they would normally reject me, because I scared them away. Sometimes we would become friends, but that would also end at some point, cause our incompatibility would become to big to bear - usually for them.

And here's where the other part of the problem lies: I like you, quite a lot actually. I cannot explain, but I need to add some notes about this: first, I like you as a friend, not in a romantic way. I do want to have lots and lots of naked fun with you, but I do not want to be your boyfriend. I am happily married and he is the only person in my life who gets the boyfriend love. That is well established and I cannot see it changing anytime soon, or at all. Second, there's a reason why me liking you is part of a problem, and I'll get to it. The point is, I cannot explain but I like and miss you. We have a text based relationship, we never met in person, for all I know you could be a 57 year old lesbian truck driver from Russia, but I still like you as I like a close friend. I feel like you're as part of my life as the people I get to hang out in the non virtual world. And I am afraid of me being too much for you.

Cause whenever we talk, I feel like I am pushing it more and more further. Like someone blowing air into a balloon. Let me see if I can put a bit more inside - no pun intended. Or maybe pun intended? But there's a point where the balloon pops, and every time we talk I feel like I got to that point with you. Whenever you walk away from the chat, I think to myself that I finally managed to screw this up, like I always do. Then I hear from you again some time later, and I relax and think: it still wasn't this time. That's stressful and intimidating. Not you, but the situation. And it's not your fault, this is a situation I put myself into.

So why do I keep pushing it? Some people might argue that I could just stop filling the balloon with air and just play with it... But one thing about big personalities is that they're big because they don't know how to be small. We live in a go big or go home world, where any other option is not an option. Ultimately, I don't want to change you, but I also don't want to change myself. I need to adapt. I need to learn.

And I am learning. I am learning to control myself, to be less me and to let people be more themselves. Maybe you don't know it, but you're teaching me this. I'm becoming a better, more tolerant and more flexible person, and that's also because of you. And I cannot thank you enough for that.

Lastly, I want to tell you that I have a good heart and I mean well. So please bear with me, cause I am learning. I will make some mistakes and I expect you to tell me off about them, but please don't go away. Please don't give up on me. Cause I want to have you around for the long run. I want the texts to turn into hugs, and the hugs to turn into trips together... I want to call you my friend and have you call me yours.

Until the day comes where we laugh about this, and you're the one telling people "yeah, he's a bit too much but he's a nice guy".