It's been two years since you died. I never really met you, or even heard about you before I saw that you were gone, but your death had an effect on me. Your death became a massive commotion on my social media, and it made me ask myself: if I would die tomorrow, who would cry? What would they say about me? Who would come to my funeral? What if my husband would die, who would be at my side to give me strength and help me move on? And from there, lots of other questions started to unfold about my life in this country, the fact that I was living here for a whole year and still didn't have any friends, that I still felt like a visitor in my own home...
Like what happened to Nobel, it also got me thinking about the impact I am leaving in this world and the legacy I am leaving behind. It also made me think about the people I have around me. Your death woke me up for the fact that I was still alive and I had to do some things with my life. You, dear stranger, threw me into what is still probably the biggest crisis I've ever had in my life.
I went down, but I came off the other side stronger, I met two of the most important people in my life nowadays, I changed habits and I became a better person. And I thought it was over, I was through. I thought that, after I went back up, I would be immune to such an event in the future. Life was good.
Now I realize that this was just the first phase. I am now back on the lower level of the wheel. I am currently knees deep inside another crisis. But this time, it is different. I am different. Maybe I did become immune after all. Right now I am questioning everything in my life. Things I held sacred and certain are now big doubts. I don't know what I want, how or when do I want it, or even if I want anything. I am currently living in this state of apathy, where everything and nothing doesn't seem so different. A bit like the calm before a big storm.
Two years ago, there was a big storm, and now I know for a fact that another big storm will come and will wash away lots of things, leaving space to build new others. I cannot put my finger on what exactly will fall and what will stand, but I don't care. Caring won't make any difference anyway. And I know, based on my previous crisis - or the first part of the current one - that I will survive. The sun will shine afterwards and everything will be good again.
I also know now that this may not, or probably will not, be the last one. The wheel will spin again, I will go up, then go down, then up again until the day I actually die and none of this matters anymore. I won't be able to know then what people think of me, how I will be remembered, what legacy I left behind. I hope it's a good one, but if it isn't, oh well...
Like what happened to Nobel, it also got me thinking about the impact I am leaving in this world and the legacy I am leaving behind. It also made me think about the people I have around me. Your death woke me up for the fact that I was still alive and I had to do some things with my life. You, dear stranger, threw me into what is still probably the biggest crisis I've ever had in my life.
I went down, but I came off the other side stronger, I met two of the most important people in my life nowadays, I changed habits and I became a better person. And I thought it was over, I was through. I thought that, after I went back up, I would be immune to such an event in the future. Life was good.
Now I realize that this was just the first phase. I am now back on the lower level of the wheel. I am currently knees deep inside another crisis. But this time, it is different. I am different. Maybe I did become immune after all. Right now I am questioning everything in my life. Things I held sacred and certain are now big doubts. I don't know what I want, how or when do I want it, or even if I want anything. I am currently living in this state of apathy, where everything and nothing doesn't seem so different. A bit like the calm before a big storm.
Two years ago, there was a big storm, and now I know for a fact that another big storm will come and will wash away lots of things, leaving space to build new others. I cannot put my finger on what exactly will fall and what will stand, but I don't care. Caring won't make any difference anyway. And I know, based on my previous crisis - or the first part of the current one - that I will survive. The sun will shine afterwards and everything will be good again.
I also know now that this may not, or probably will not, be the last one. The wheel will spin again, I will go up, then go down, then up again until the day I actually die and none of this matters anymore. I won't be able to know then what people think of me, how I will be remembered, what legacy I left behind. I hope it's a good one, but if it isn't, oh well...
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