The last apology

I wrote you another apology letter, before I watched the videos I sent you. I felt, based on what I could remember, that I went ballistic on you. That I offended you, called you names, and told you to fuck yourself a lot. But then I rewatched it, and this letter had to change.

Because the only thing I need to apologize for is to bother you, when you said you didn't want to talk to me anymore. That's way better and lighter than saying "I'm sorry I called you an asshole and told you to go fuck yourself", don't you think? Sorry, shouldn't be asking you questions.

I don't think that I have offended you. In fact, I just opened my heart. I told you what I was feeling in a very honest and open way. I never wore any masks while talking to you (one of my mistakes, maybe...) and that video didn't have me being any different. I had many questions thar I needed answer, and even though I never got to ask you them, they were still there. Drunk me had the balls to ask you.

For instance, I don't get how our friendship crumbled so fast and so easily. I kept asking myself this question, building different theories, second guessing myself. You also woke up an old feeling of abandonment and rejection, but I've talked about this extensively in the blog so I don't need to go into it anymore. Ultimately, I just wanted to understand. This is who I am, I need logic, I need to understand how something works to get along with it and move on. It gives me control, and control is everything a control freak needs. It's right there, on the name.  

But I'm also not a kid anymore. I learned in my life that some things are out of my control. And those things I cannot control. Those things are out of my reach. This is one of them, and I have to let go. I know I said before that I'm moving on, and I don't know if this time I mean it or not, but I want to move on. I don't want to care anymore. Like drunk me very wisely said: I miss you, but I don't want to miss you. 

Sometimes I feel selfish, like I'm always talking about myself, how I feel and how things affected and still affect me. I feel like I never ask you how you are, or how you're dealing with everything. But I did. Before we decided to go our own ways, I asked you several times if we could talk. If I could help. You didn't want to talk, you didn't want my help, you denied me your side of the puzzle. And drunk me asked you, maybe not not directly, but asked nevertheless: what happened, what's your version of things. You chose again to be silent about it. You don't want your part to be in the story I'm writing, so I have no choice but talk about myself, my feelings, my side. But I'm also getting tired of my side of things.

So this will be my last apology. I'm sorry for sending you drunk videos and, even though I'm not sorry for anything I said on them, I'm truly sorry for everything I could have done. The things I know I've done and the things I cannot even begin to imagine. I wish I could say some cliche like "I hope you'll be happy", but that would be a lie. Right now I don't wish you any good or bad. Right now, all I wish is to forget you, to be able to move on, to wake up one morning and don't think about you. And it's not because I hate you or because I have any bad feelings towards you, I truly don't. 

I just want to have peace. 

The beginning

It's been two years since you died. I never really met you, or even heard about you before I saw that you were gone, but your death had an effect on me. Your death became a massive commotion on my social media, and it made me ask myself: if I would die tomorrow, who would cry? What would they say about me? Who would come to my funeral? What if my husband would die, who would be at my side to give me strength and help me move on? And from there, lots of other questions started to unfold about my life in this country, the fact that I was living here for a whole year and still didn't have any friends, that I still felt like a visitor in my own home...
Like what happened to Nobel, it also got me thinking about the impact I am leaving in this world and the legacy I am leaving behind. It also made me think about the people I have around me. Your death woke me up for the fact that I was still alive and I had to do some things with my life. You, dear stranger, threw me into what is still probably the biggest crisis I've ever had in my life.
I went down, but I came off the other side stronger, I met two of the most important people in my life nowadays, I changed habits and I became a better person. And I thought it was over, I was through. I thought that, after I went back up, I would be immune to such an event in the future. Life was good.
Now I realize that this was just the first phase. I am now back on the lower level of the wheel. I am currently knees deep inside another crisis. But this time, it is different. I am different. Maybe I did become immune after all. Right now I am questioning everything in my life. Things I held sacred and certain are now big doubts. I don't know what I want, how or when do I want it, or even if I want anything. I am currently living in this state of apathy, where everything and nothing doesn't seem so different. A bit like the calm before a big storm.
Two years ago, there was a big storm, and now I know for a fact that another big storm will come and will wash away lots of things, leaving space to build new others. I cannot put my finger on what exactly will fall and what will stand, but I don't care. Caring won't make any difference anyway. And I know, based on my previous crisis - or the first part of the current one - that I will survive. The sun will shine afterwards and everything will be good again.
I also know now that this may not, or probably will not, be the last one. The wheel will spin again, I will go up, then go down, then up again until the day I actually die and none of this matters anymore. I won't be able to know then what people think of me, how I will be remembered, what legacy I left behind. I hope it's a good one, but if it isn't, oh well... 

To a very cute and very reserved big bear

I need to be honest with you: I feel a bit intimidated when I talk to you. But I am not saying that you are intimidating, so let me explain...

You and I, we are very different people. We are opposites - and maybe that's why we are attracted to each other. Maybe (or probably) you are the most opposite to me as someone can be. I am this big extrovert with little shame, who's absolutely not shy, is always saying what he thinks, loves to talk about sex and would live his life naked if he could. You seem to be reserved, quiet, shy and always fully dressed in your pictures and videos. I have channels on both xtube and Tumblr.

And here's where the problem begins: I never had to deal with someone like you in my life. I probably told you this before, that being like I am, I learned to deal with rejection like a pro. So whenever I met someone who was not so intense like I am, they would normally reject me, because I scared them away. Sometimes we would become friends, but that would also end at some point, cause our incompatibility would become to big to bear - usually for them.

And here's where the other part of the problem lies: I like you, quite a lot actually. I cannot explain, but I need to add some notes about this: first, I like you as a friend, not in a romantic way. I do want to have lots and lots of naked fun with you, but I do not want to be your boyfriend. I am happily married and he is the only person in my life who gets the boyfriend love. That is well established and I cannot see it changing anytime soon, or at all. Second, there's a reason why me liking you is part of a problem, and I'll get to it. The point is, I cannot explain but I like and miss you. We have a text based relationship, we never met in person, for all I know you could be a 57 year old lesbian truck driver from Russia, but I still like you as I like a close friend. I feel like you're as part of my life as the people I get to hang out in the non virtual world. And I am afraid of me being too much for you.

Cause whenever we talk, I feel like I am pushing it more and more further. Like someone blowing air into a balloon. Let me see if I can put a bit more inside - no pun intended. Or maybe pun intended? But there's a point where the balloon pops, and every time we talk I feel like I got to that point with you. Whenever you walk away from the chat, I think to myself that I finally managed to screw this up, like I always do. Then I hear from you again some time later, and I relax and think: it still wasn't this time. That's stressful and intimidating. Not you, but the situation. And it's not your fault, this is a situation I put myself into.

So why do I keep pushing it? Some people might argue that I could just stop filling the balloon with air and just play with it... But one thing about big personalities is that they're big because they don't know how to be small. We live in a go big or go home world, where any other option is not an option. Ultimately, I don't want to change you, but I also don't want to change myself. I need to adapt. I need to learn.

And I am learning. I am learning to control myself, to be less me and to let people be more themselves. Maybe you don't know it, but you're teaching me this. I'm becoming a better, more tolerant and more flexible person, and that's also because of you. And I cannot thank you enough for that.

Lastly, I want to tell you that I have a good heart and I mean well. So please bear with me, cause I am learning. I will make some mistakes and I expect you to tell me off about them, but please don't go away. Please don't give up on me. Cause I want to have you around for the long run. I want the texts to turn into hugs, and the hugs to turn into trips together... I want to call you my friend and have you call me yours.

Until the day comes where we laugh about this, and you're the one telling people "yeah, he's a bit too much but he's a nice guy".

Dunning–Kruger, FOMO and Social Media walk into a bar...

You are posting... 

...about inclusion and acceptance, but you exclude anyone who doesn't share your interests...

...about being body positive, but only when you're going to the gym and your body is getting into the beauty standard...

...about being sensitive, sweet and opened to love everyone, no matter who they are and how they look like, but in real life, you're a rude asshole who only talks to people like you, who's all the time on your phone and turns your face when people say hi...

...about how much you love your boyfriend, how he's the love of your life, but you keep sending naked pictures and asking people to be discreet about it...

...about your relationship, even though you never did this before with any other boyfriend, just because this one is hot and worth showing...

...about how much you wish people were honest and told you the truth, but the faint sign of truth turns you into a defensive and argumentative beast who thinks the world is out to get you...

...about how much you want a teddy bear and/or a daddy, but not so long ago you were looking at overweight and/or older guys in disgust when you went out...

...about your mental health issues, and how you wish people were nicer to you, but you do not hesitate to use your mental health as a free pass to be a complete asshole to someone else...

...about being available when someone says they're looking for a guy, but you reject everyone who's around you in real life and shows any genuinely interest in you...

...pictures that will make people drool, but you complain about them being naughty on your feed...

...about how you're a big nerd and you like nerd culture, but back in school you bullied all your friends who were into anything that was not popular...

...about how much you're into certain movies and TV shows, but you never read any of the books or comics that originated it...

...pictures showing how cute and hot and sexy you are, and even though everybody is into you, your inside is empty and ugly based on how you treat other people...

...criticism to others, calling them stupid and other things, but you cannot even spell correctly in your own native language...

And finally, you are posting about how you have the best life ever, but you are just doing what everybody else is doing, watching the shows everybody else is watching, travelling to the places everybody else is travelling, being what everybody else is being...

But none of that matters, because you think you're right, people around you will encourage and applaud you, and you and your life will always stay the same. And you will be happy, because you want to fit in, you want to share it and you don't like change. But most important, you don't know enough to even understand that something is wrong.