Signed farewell

Dear Blog,

this is my last letter, and it wouldn't make any sense to send it to anyone else but you. Over the years, you helped me a lot. I came here to put out everything that was eating me inside, but I also had in you a way to organise my thoughts. To scream all I had to scream so I would do it with a cold computer screen, and not a warm person with real feelings. I left you opened to the world and I said that, if someone wanted to read it, I was out of my control. But the truth is, I never really wanted anyone to read what I wrote here. In fact, the only reason I kept writing is because I knew nobody would read it. 

But then somebody did, and it hurt them. And you might have noticed that I haven't written here since then. I was scared of what my words could do to someone else. The idea of being opened was wonderful in theory, where I put my thoughts out there and they were not my responsibility anymore. Whoever found and read it, did it on their own risk. Reality though was bitterer. No matter how I tried to spin it, I caused hurt.

Being away from you for all those months made me realise that I did not need you anymore, and that's good news. I am not saying I solved all my issues, but I did solve the ones I wanted to when I set you up. I still have a long way to go, but I am a better person today than I was when I wrote my first unsent letter, and that is something I will always be grateful to you for.

So, for one last time, thank you for being there. Thank you for having empty boxes ready for my mix of letters and punctuation. Thank you for allowing me to know myself, to understand myself, and to deal with myself and the way others affect me. But also, and that's probably the most important of it all, thank you for showing me that kindness and love is always better than anger and hate. That, no matter how upset I am with someone, it is not worth it to throw my sadness and anger at them. That the world can be a better place if everybody would sit, talk and get things sorted.

I won't come back here anymore. I will move on, probably start another blog to write about my many still unresolved issues. But I will always know that you helped me be a better version of myself. And I won't delete you either, I will keep you here so I can always come back and remind myself that there is a better path to be taken.

With love,

Bernardo.

Dear E.

I never expected to write you one of those, because never before in our friendship I felt like I couldn't tell you something directly. Yet here I am, not feeling safe enough to have this conversation with you right now. I feel like if I open my heart to you, there is a big chance that you'll run a knife through it and tear it into pieces. Normally my heart is tough, and it can take some damage. But right now, my heart is bruised and weak, and it cannot take much more. 

I haven't been well in the last days. I am in a dark headspace, where I am feeling unappealing to everyone, in every aspect. And I told you that on Friday. I also told you multiple times that I have difficulties to reach out and ask for help, because on times like this all I can feel is that I am a burden to someone and I want to get away, to stop bothering them. But maybe because you are away, maybe because I've done it so many times that you've become immune to it, or maybe because you just don't care about me, you did not hear my call. You said something about how I should write a book, which was a an inappropriate comment to make especially when I was feeling so bad, and nothing else. You did not offer support. Neither then, nor afterwards. Not once in the whole weekend or Monday you asked me how I was feeling, if I was better or if there was anything you could do to help.

I don't know if you ever had to deal with someone who is going through mental health issues, but sometimes the mind can go to very dark places, and something as simple as saying "I need help" cannot be done. When we become friends with someone, we start to know them very well, and we should be able to develop a six sense to help identify when our friends are struggling. This is even harder when having a text based friendship, which requires us to raise our awareness even further to such issues. Maybe this is something you can learn for the future. You've got nothing to lose, this would only make you a better person.

On top of that, you called me a liar on Monday. And right after that you attacked me and the only way I would have to defend my honour and prove that I am not a liar, saying it was a disgusting and offensive habit. As this is something I have done before, I could not help but feel like you were calling me disgusting and offensive. Wether it was your intention or not, it still hurt me very deeply.

A disgusting and offensive habit is to say something and then back out, pretending you never did, and make other people feel bad for pointing it out. And then blocking people to argument their side with proof. You do that often, and you expect us to just put up with it. It seems small, it was just a comment about a drunk chat, but to me it is huge, especially when I have to consider that it was not the first time and sadly, probably won't be the last. I firmly believe one should honour what one said and done, and it takes balls to look back and admit that they did or said something, even if it was not great. You criticise your country's president, but you act exactly like him at times. Sendings screenshots is nothing more than fact checking with hard proof. But if you would have kept your word and/or admitted what you said and done, fact checking and screenshots would not have been necessary to start with.

You let me down this weekend, and I had to go to a place I never thought I would in our friendship: I had to walk away. I wish I could have had this conversation with you there and then, but I was not (and still am not) strong enough for how you would react, and how you would potentially strike back at me. I hate myself for being afraid of you right now, but I am also not a good liar, so I cannot hide the fact that I am afraid of you right now. I hope we can still have this chat, because as your friend this is something I must do. I cannot sit and see you do something wrong without saying anything. But I need time. I need to rebuild my armour, to be able to take whatever it is that you throw back at me.

I know I am not saying anything absurd here. That I am not being unreasonable. And I know that I love you and care about you enough to want to make you be a better person, and not in a condescending way. I hope you will be able to see this as well. But I can only hope. I cannot get inside your head and inside your heart and make you see it. This path, my friend, needs to be walked by you.

Here's why

Right, I think everyone deserves an explanation, so I am writing you this to tell you why I don't want to have contact with you anymore.

I never made assumptions about your values nor did I accuse you of anything. This is something that you interpreted as an accusation, and I cannot be held responsible for how you read into things and what kind of meanings you see in them.

I said that I am not a slave driver and I don't think this should be used in a joke. When you called me a slave driver it did make me uncomfortable, and I did not know what it means. I asked different British friends, and they explained it to me. I still feel uncomfortable to be called that, despite it being a regular and common expression.

And I maintain my opinion that the word slave or any reference to slavery should not be used in a joke, no matter how harmless it is or whoever is saying it - whether it is you or anybody else. So my issue was not with you, but with the expression you used. Anyone who would have said that to me would have gotten that same reaction. Anyone who says that to me, now that I know what it means, will still get the same reaction. My issue with you is that you chose to attack me, instead of respecting my opinion. I would expect my friends to give more importance to the way I feel than to the way the English language is spoken. After all, a language does not have feelings. To give you an example: If someone says they want to be called by the pronouns "they/them", you'd be expected to respect that, regardless of what gender they were assigned at birth and what is the correct way in the English language to address that gender. And no, I am not comparing myself to a gender non-comforming person, I am simply using this situation as an example to make my point. 

Furthermore, you had the perfect opportunity to teach me something I did not know, and that could have turned into an interesting and educational discussion. I would have made the same points I am doing now, and I would have given you the chance to expose your point of view. And even if we disagreed, we would have kept it civil and friendly. Not all my friends have the same opinion of me, and I respect that. But you decided to escalate the situation and attack me and my level of English, which I think it was uncalled for. But most importantly, I truly believe that when you feel personally attacked by a friend, the best way forward is to take a deep breath and try to talk about it, instead of attacking back. Friendships are not a competition where one has to win. If someone inside a friendship loses, both friends lose. It would be a competition without a winner. Instead, friends should play together to win together. If one of the friends would make a bad move, the other friend would try to save it and make it better, not make it worse to have the last word. The way you handled this situation shows me how you handle friendships, and I don't want to embark on one with you.

Finally, this was not the first time you said something that offended me. You once suggested that I should put bromide in my tea to calm my libido. Once again this might be something normal for you or in the English language, but I find it offensive, especially because my libido is none of your business. For ME, this is a reference to chemical castration, and I don't think anyone should say that to someone else ever, not even as a joke.

On a different occasion, you suggested that one of the reasons I liked my job was the possibility to have sex with different guys in different places, and if I would control my libido, I would be able to get a better job. Once again, it is not for you to decide if my libido should be controlled, and you don't know me well enough to make assumption about the reasons I do my job and what makes me like it. 

So what happened today did not just come out of the blue, it was the last drop of water on a cup that was already pretty full. The things I'm pointing out here might not be the facts, but they are how I see and how I feel about them. As I said, one should not be held accountable for what someone feels or how someone else interprets things, and I don't hold you accountable for that. But I don't want to have someone in my life who triggers this kind of feelings in me. I see a pattern here of things I think are inappropriate to be said to someone else, but you might consider them to be ok. And you are entitled to have your opinion and your views about what's right or wrong, but for me it's enough reason to have no interest in keeping in touch with you.

One more thing: the husbear knows everything that happens to me, almost immediately when it happens. We have no secrets with each other. So you don't need to run to him to gossip about me, he knew everything already. Divide and conquer is not a tactic that works with us. If anything, it only makes us stronger...

I just wanna make you cum

It's as simple as that - I could try to create a metaphor, to include things to make it seem less simple, I could even try to write about it using classier words. But when we cut to the chase, the main thing is: I want to make you cum.

I want to kiss you while my arms go around your body. One of my hands touch your face, while the other rub your neck and grab the base of your hair. I pull you closer and grab your butt cheeks, and my mouth travels from your mouth to your neck and your ears, where I moan almost as a whisper, but loud enough to play with your senses. I will travel around your back kissing both the centre and the sides, giving you gentle bites along the way.

And then my tongue will finally arrive at your asshole. I will show you how much I dreamed and masturbated thinking about this moment: I will lick it, suck it, kiss it, rub my beard on it, stick my tongue in like I am trying to fuck it. I want to feel your inner thighs pressing my face while I hear you moan with pleasure. I want to get you so horny that you start begging for me to fuck you.

But you don't need to beg, fucking you was on my plan all along. We start with you belly up, legs high, and I will introduce my rock hard cock slowly and gently at first. I want to look into your eyes while I get inside you, I want to see in your face how the pain transforms into pleasure. I grab your hairy chest and I lean in to kiss you, I want you to know that it is OK, that we are in this together, and we will get there together. I play with your cut dick and your balls, while I enjoy the view of my cock going in and out under them.

We then try different positions, until we get to my favourite one: you are by the side of the bed, facing away from me, your arms down in the bed. I fuck you and grab your hair, you can feel the curve of my cock hitting your prostate, and you know it's time for you to cum. I pull you by your hair, but in a gentle way that brings you closer to me. Your hands are now free and you can wank yourself while I'm bombarding your prostate, you tell me your about to cum and I go deeper, stronger, until you explode, cumming all over the bed, screaming so the whole city can hear you.

I will cum all over your beautiful and hairy chest and belly, we will shower together and talk about how much we care about each other and our friendship, we will laugh about something stupid, and life will go on. Nothing more. No infatuation, no complication, no awkwardness. Just us continuing to be friends like always.

(Yes, I know there's much more to be considered. But take a look at the description of this blog...)

Epilogue

 Dido

The other day, I described this to someone else as a baking metaphor: I tried baking before, and it didn't go well. For a while I didn't know what went wrong and how to fix it, so I kept trying to bake but I didn't get great results. And I fed you bad cakes.

Recently I finally understood that my issue was with the oven: I did not know how to use it. I read about it, studied the manual, saw YouTube videos, but I never actually used that oven before, so I ended up burning my bakes. The oven did not have the intention to burn it, it was just being an oven, doing what it was supposed to do. I couldn't handle it - maybe its dials were confusing to me, maybe its temperature was in F instead of °C...

Now I know where my issue is, and I spent the last days fine tuning my oven skills, and my baking is getting better and better by the day... But where do you come in all this?

Well, there's a saying that goes like "all things come to those who wait". And I want to thank you for waiting and being there. I want to thank you for eating the bad cakes I fed you. So far, you have been patient and understanding with me, my issues, my insecurities, my complexities and my complaints. I brought into our friendship issues that had nothing to do directly with you, and you had to take them. Actually, strike that. You did not have to take it. You chose to take it. 

I am sure there were positives, but there were a lot of not so positives. And you're still there. You saw something in me that, at times, I could not see. To use another metaphor, you bet on me, and when my share value went to its lowest point, you remained calm and kept your money invested, because somehow you knew that things would pick up again, and your patience would pay off. You saw my potential and you knew one day you'd get a delicious cheesecake with a chocolate base and salted caramel sauce, and it'd so delicious that it woild even change your opinion on salted caramel.

Now I can see what you already saw. I feel that the tide is turning. I am getting my personal issues sorted, I am tidying up my house, cleaning the fog and seeing better days on the horizon. You haven't seen the best side of me yet, but that side exists. It has been dormant, suffocated by bad demons that were set free by someone else. It took me a long time to understand those demons, where they come from, how they operate and what needs to be done to get them back where they belong. But I finally do, I finally understand everything now. I am confident that the rough part is over, and if we were able to survive that, the next bit will be amazing. I am back in control, I promise you that. 

And I cannot wait to spend the rest of my life being your friend.