Why am I doing this?

Shit happens. To everybody. No matter how well it all seems, there is some shit happening somewhere, so don't get fooled. Someone might look like they're having the time of their lives, but they might be feeling miserable.

Yes, I'm talking about myself but no, I'm not feeling miserable. This was an exaggeration. But a couple of days ago I heard someone telling me how great my life looks, based on what they see me post on social media. I told them that there are downsides to it, like everybody else, and he ironised me saying that I don't post the bad stuff. Well, people don't want to see the bad stuff. People don't want to hear how sad your life is, unless there's something for them - like a happy ending. And not the sexual one.

Even though it doesn't seem like, I have insecurities. I feel alone sometimes. There are things I don't like about my job. My life is not perfect. That guy, the one in the pictures, he's a character. An alter ego. He's entertainment, based on a real story. But he's not me. Not entirely.

And this is how I cope. Some people drink, some people smoke, some people like to shoot things, some people bully others, some people cry. I write. After years of therapy, I learned how to talk to myself. I learned how to organise my ideas on a piece of paper (nowadays a digital one), in order to put everything out of me. This is how I vent.

I write letters, sometimes to myself, sometimes to others. I don't have real intentions of sending them, because this is something that I need to go through for me. I don't do this to change someone else. I don't want to tell them how to live their lives, because honestly, I'm still learning how to live mine.

So why make them public? Why give people a chance to see them? It's a clever solution, actually: I will live in a permanent state of duality, where my letters will and will not be read by whoever they are intented to. I will have the peace of mind that my message could be received, but it was not necessarily received. It's there, to be found. And just like everything else, this is about me, and how I am doing my part. If someone else will find them or not, it's not on me anymore. I don't and won't have that control. After all, I can only control what I say and how I say it, but not how it will be received and how someome else will interpret it. My job will be done.

I don't have any intention of offending anybody, so if you feel like this is for you and it is bothering you, please reconsider. This is about how I see things, not the truth. This is my truth, for my closure. And if you ever want to get it sorted, please let's talk about it. Let's work things out. If you're here, it's because you did or you still matter to me. And that must mean something.